Ed School Mission Statements

December, 2004

Faculty and administration at ed schools across our fine country are over-burdened with collecting (nonexistent) “evidences,” “artifacts,” and “products” that they must use to fill the cells in “matrices” governed by “rubrics” so they can be “aligned” with the “standards” and “best practices” required by certifying organizations (extortion rackets) such as National Council for Accreditation of Teacher Education (NCATE) and Interstate New Teacher Assessment and Support Consortium (INTASC).

With all that high-level intellectual labor, perfessers and administrators have little time to create catchy mission statements that are as smarmy, cloth-headed, delusional, and corn-fed stupid as they need to be to satisfy the milk-livered, rump-fed, fustilarian gas bladders who run universities.

However--and follow me closely here---Professor Plum’s Dear Readers are of the intelligent, kindly, and generous sort.  Surely THEY would like to help ed schools.  See if YOU can create a completely psychotic mission statement. Just use the following words to fill in blanks in the mission statement framework.  Or not, as they case may be.

 endeavor  strive   needs   committed   commitment   serve   ensure

equity    students   multicultural   diverse   welfare   dispositions

tirelessly   vim and zip   all   groups   lifelong   society   significant

segments    social justice   learning   attainment of    global

as much intellect    sack of hammers   stupid    morally perverse

collectively   thrashing   thumping    head

We at the Windypants College of Education  are ___________

to ________________________ the ______________________ of all

__________ in a _________________ and ________________

society.  We also__________to _______________ that all of our

__________________ acquire the ________enabling them to 

make  __________________  contributions to  the __________


of ___________________ on a _________________ scale.   Our

graduates are ______________________ to the________________

of all_____________  of society, and work __________________


and with no little ________________ to  ensure _____________.    

We realize that we have about  _______________________   

as the average __________________________; that our whole

language and fuzziest math programs are so _______________

and _______________________ that we _____________________

deserve a good _________________ and a

 
serious ________________about the ____________________.

See how easy it is?  I think we should be consultants!

But now the accountability.  Is YOUR fictive mission statement as revolting as the REAL thing--namely the samples below, which I deftly lifted from websites of colleges of deaducation.  If not, try again.  Or not, as you prefer.

Sample 1.
Teachers are the sculptors of the future. [Oh, great metaphor!  I bet they really strained for that one.  See, the idea is to give the impression of a certain artsiness.  They don't just have some small effect on the future.  Oh, no!  They SCULPT it.  Of course, this depends on locale.  Ed schools in Tennessee don't sculpt.  They whittle the future.  In Massachusetts, following Ted Kennedy's example, they drive in the ocean and drown the future--not Teddy's, of course.] They profoundly influence young people [Oooo, fancy schmancy.  Not kids or students.  Young people.  The clarification adds a certain I don't know what--Oh, I got it.  Stupidity.] by fostering their intellectual, social, emotional and physical growth.  [Blah blah and also blah.] As a teacher  [Well, as what else?  This IS a school of ed we're talkin' about, ain't it?] you will experience joy [Oh, joy!] when a student looks you in the eye and tells you, “I can do this.”   [Oh, yeah.  That happens!  No doubt, big, soulful eyes, like ET?] You will feel the happiness of your students' successes and the sorrow of their failures.   [What failures?  Why would kids fail?  I can understand the occasional ERROR.  But failure?  "Sorry, Billy.  But you are a complete failure.  And you always will be.  Here's a broom.  Make friends with it.  But be comforted.  I feel sorrow.  In fact, I just might pen an ode--possibly two odes.  One on dejection and another on melancholy. ] You will help students discover and use gifts they never realized they had.  [Not real likely once the young people are all wallowing in failure.]

 

Sample 2
This one receives **First Prize** in the Makes You Wanna Barf category.  It's so deranged.  So puerile.  So bottomlessly moronic.

Our mission and vision will be guided by the values of creativity, connection, culture and caring. [How are a mission and vision GUIDED by values?   Are the mission and vision  independent of the values?  Isn't actualizing the values the mission itself?   No?  Then these guys are just insane.  (Sorry.  It had to be said.)  Besides, how are creativity, connection, culture, and caring VALUES?  They might be THINGS to BE valued, but they are not themselves values.  Gee, does this tell you why these guys create such useless programs for ed students?  Ya think?!  But now, let's look at these values, shall we?  ]

 

Creativity is openness and curiosity to explore new and different ideas; willingness to share, learn, and experiment; the strength to persevere; and, sometimes, the courage to let go.  [What kind of  escaped mental patient could possibly see THIS  as a definition of creativity?  Willingness to share?  Strength to persevere?   The courage to let GO?  Let go of WHAT?  Why let go?   Why not hold ON?  Let someone  ELSE  let go.  Let THEM pitch in!   I love the use of "sometimes"  in "and, sometimes, the courage to let go."  It adds  the dramatic touch.  Psychotic, to be sure, but dramatic.   "Oh, we would so love to hang on but sometimes, Oh, Sometimes, we must let go."]

 

Connection brings people together, fosters internal and external collaboration, relationships, and networking, builds capacity, and adds to our understanding of complexity.   [Connection "brings"  people together?   What sort of gibberish IS this?  Connection IS  BEING  together.  I guess they never heard  of VERBS, like CONNECTING!!  ]

 

Culture is exemplified through developing competence related to diverse cultures, individuals, perspectives and values that create an environment of acceptance, appreciation and respect and justice for others.   [In what strange and terrifying universe is THIS a definition of culture?    "...developing competence related to diverse cultures..."  Competence at WHAT related to diverse cultures?  They have NO idea.  You see, most folks at ed schools are completely incapable of ANALYSIS.  That's why they can't operationally define any concept.  Why they can't take what is good from several methods and integrate it.  Why they can't design instruction (which requires analyzing a skill into its elements).]

 

Caring is ethics and integrity shown through empathy, compassion, and a commitment to celebrate others, which ultimately improves our collective social, educational, psychological, and physical well being.   [A commitment  to celebrate others?  Why do we have to make a commitment to celebrate?  Why can't we just DO it?  When we feel like it?  But, on the other hand, what if we DESPISE some others.  What if we hate their guts?  See, again, maximum hyperbole because they cannot THINK.  The part about improving well being.  Gag!]

 

Sample 3.
This one is as foul and loathesome as the others.  But it raises the bar on empty rhetoric.  Future generations--in contrast to past generations--will look upon this mission statement as the last word in sheer mealy-mouthed nonsense.  But see for yourself.

 

The graduate level Early Childhood/Elementary Teacher Licensure Programs hold a social justice perspective towards ["hold a...perspective towards"?  What's that mean, if anything?  How do you hold a perspective?  Do you grab it by its knobs?] education, curriculum, and teaching.  [How are curriculum and teaching not PART of education?  Idiots!] From this perspective, the purpose of education is to promote a democratic society based on principles of social justice and economic equity.  [You understand, of course, that these guys have NO idea what they're talking about.   Social justice means what?  You think they ever read The Republic, or or any classical writers on this?  Of course not.  This is merely mouthing marxian flapdoodle that gets their glands all excited.] Schools and education should be laboratories for democracy,  [Oh, Lord!  What maltworms.]  where adults and children learn together to raise questions about issues and problems, ["raise questions about issues and problems..."  Well, that's clear enough, don't you think?]  both of a cognitive and social-critical nature, and they work together to find the answers to those problems.  [Adults and  children are going to raise questions about problems and issues of a cognitive nature?   Yes, I see lots of kids doing that.  "Uh, I have a problem--or possibly an issue.  What the hell are you taking about?!"]

 

Sample 4.
I love this next and, by the Mercy of the Good Lord, last one.  It's such a shameless display of steroid-enriched asininity.  This one packs more doltishess per line than any I've seen.

The philosophy of the School of Education has as its basis confluent education [Oh, great, aNUTHER new "idea" in a field distinguished by a new and terrifying idea every minute.] which perceives learning [Confluent education "perceives" learning?   Is this supposed to be sane?] the merging of cognitive, affective, social, and psychomotor domains. [Don't you mean LIFE, morons?] This belief [All of sudden it's a belief?  Where was I when the change occurred, or took place, or happened?] underscores  the premise [How does a belief UNDERSCORE anything?  What does it even mean?  Surely nothing at all.] that education nurtures [They ALL say nurture.  Or foster.  What ass started that trend?  They can't say PRODUCE because then they could be held accountable.  But nurture?  "Oh, sure, we nurture.  We nurture like nobody's business.  Oy, do we ever nurture.  You could plotz with all the nurturing going on here.  Not only do we nurture, we also foster.  We are big time fosterers.  And promoters.  And don't forget encourage.  We don't ACCOMPLISH a damn thing.  But boy can we nurture." ] and promotes intellectual growth and the emotional, social, and physical well being of all students with a special focus on diversity and equity.   [One big fat  psychotic circle.   X does X because X is a premise for X.   And then they just drop off "diversity and equity"and expect them to walk home by themselves.]

 

Hopeless.  Just hopeless.  And sick.  And hopeless.